What Was I?
by danrdarrenc
Summary: Luke and Reid bump into to Noah, who isn't alone. Luke wants some answers. Set in the future.
1. Chapter 1

Luke Snyder and Reid Oliver were sitting in Al's Diner eating lunch. Reid was devouring a hamburger and Luke was dipping French fries in ketchup.

"I forgot to tell you," Reid said through a mouthful of beef and bread. "I have some stupid black-tie affair Friday night. I have to go because Bob chose me as his replacement as Chief of Staff. I need you to come with me, or else I won't get through it."

"Of course I'll come with you, Reid," Luke said. "You know how much I love stuffy, black-tie affairs." Luke smiled.

"Oh, by the way, my parents want to take us out for our anniversary," Luke said, trying very hard not to laugh at the look on his partner's face, and failing miserably. "I'm sorry. I wanted it to just be the two of us, but my mom persisted and insisted, so I couldn't say…no," Luke faltered, as his brow furrowed and he looked past Reid out the window.

"What?"  
"Nothing. I thought I saw Noah," Luke said, shaking his head in confusion.

"Noah's been gone for nearly six years," Reid said, finishing his food.

"I know. Never mind."

Reid's beeper buzzed. "Damn," Reid said, pulling it out and shutting it off. "I have to go."

Luke nodded and stood up while dropping money onto the table for their food. Together they walked into Olde Towne towards Oakdale Memorial.

Just as they were passing Java, hand in hand, they came to an abrupt halt as the door to the coffee shop swung open. They had stopped to avoid getting hit by the door, but remained standing stock still as they found themselves face-to-face with Noah Mayer.

"Noah?" Luke said, surprised.

"Luke?" Noah said, blinking rapidly, as if he hoped the two men in front of him were simply apparitions.

"Noah! There you are. Glad I found my way around the town," said a girl about the same age as Luke and Noah, coming over to the three men. "Who's this, baby?" She looked at Luke and Reid.

"This is Luke Snyder and Dr. Reid Oliver," Noah said tensely, the last three words spoken with more resentment than was necessary. "Luke, Dr. Oliver, this is Beth – my wife."


	2. Chapter 2

"Your wife?" Luke asked, confused.

"Yes," Beth said, smiling and holding out her hand. Luke shook her hand.

"I have to go," Reid said, awkward and uncomfortable with the situation in which he had landed himself and glad for the excuse to leave. "The hospital needs me." He kissed Luke on the cheek briefly, glared at Noah for a moment, and then stalked away.

"Why don't we go inside?" Beth asked, indicating Java. "It's silly to stand out here and catch up." She opened the door and Noah and Luke reluctantly followed.

The three made their way to the far side of the coffee shop and found a table near the back at which they all sat down, Noah beside Beth with Luke awkwardly across from them.

"So how do you know Noah?" Beth asked innocently. "I don't think Noah's mentioned you."

_My God, he hasn't told her_, Luke thought to himself as he glared at Noah. _How awful_.

Knowing that it was not his place to say anything, Luke said, "Noah and I met the summer before freshman year of college." He saw Noah breathe a sigh of relief. "He had come from Missouri to do an internship here before going to Northwestern."

Just then Beth's cell phone rang. "Please excuse me, I have to take this. I'll only be five minutes." And she walked outside to take the call.

Noah and Luke sat in uncomfortable and painful silence for a couple minutes. Noah broke it first.

"I see you're still with Dr. Oliver."

"Yes. We got married three years ago," Luke responded tersely. "What kind of game are you playing, Noah?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know perfectly well what I mean! The same kind of game you were playing with Maddie! What have you told her about your time in Oakdale?"

"Just that I went to college here."

"Why are you here then?" Luke asked coldly.

"A film festival," Noah said as Beth was walking back towards them. "Everything okay?"  
"Yeah. Mom just wanted to know if we landed alright and checked into the hotel."

"Where are you staying?" Luke asked Beth, but he already knew the answer.

"The Lakeview," Beth answered. "Do you know it?"

"Intimately," Luke said, giving Noah a _how-dare-you-stay-in-my-mother's-hotel_ look.

"Oh. Well, I'd love to see more of Oakdale. And I'd love to get to know more about you, Luke. It's great to meet one of Noah's friends outside of film school. Would you do me the honor of showing me around town?"

_Poor Beth_, Luke thought. He felt sorry for her.

"Sure." Beth beamed in delight.

"Wonderful! Noah, do you want to come along?"

"Why not?" Noah answered.

"Great," Luke said, thought the situation was incredibly awkward.

The three of them stood up and Luke offered Beth his arm.

"Why, thank you! What a gentleman! Just like from a Jane Austen novel," Beth exclaimed, taking Luke's arm. Noah followed behind, teeth clenched and staring blankly ahead.

Together, they made their way through Olde Towne, Luke pointing out various places of importance. Finally, they came to a stop in front of the WOAK building.

"This is the TV station where Noah and I interned the summer we met, along with our friend Maddie," Luke said, leading Beth and Noah inside.

"Maddie? You're freshman year girlfriend?" Beth asked her husband.

Noah nodded.

_So he had told her about Maddie, had he?_, Luke thought angrily as they walked toward the back of the studio.

"This is the room where Noah and I first –" He was about to say _kissed_, but caught himself. "– came up with the idea for our movie and spent most of that summer," Luke completed.

"This is cool," Beth said, looking around.

She had not seemed to notice Luke's pause.

"That's pretty much it. You've seen the Lakeview, Al's, Java, Olde Towne, and Oakdale University. There's not much else here except the hospital. As Reid would say, this town is a dump and a disaster, so not much to see," Luke said smiling.

"Aww. I like it here in Oakdale. It's cozy. Like a town from a soap opera."

They made their way back out to Olde Towne. As they walked down the street Beth said, "I hope this isn't too forward or personal, Luke, but you're gay?"

Luke and Noah both stopped dead in their tracks.

"Yes," Luke answered. "I'm gay. And I'm not ashamed of it." The last statement he directed at Noah whose whole body tensed.

"I think that's wonderful. You should be proud of who you are. And anyone who tells you otherwise is a fool," Beth said, squeezing Luke's arm. "Don't you think so, Noah?"

"Yeah. I've always told Luke that," Noah said, moving closer to his wife. "It's getting late, Beth. We have the festival in a few hours and I need to prepare."

"Okay. You're right. And Luke probably wants to get back to his doctor." Beth smiled her sweet smile. She reminded Luke of Maddie. _How ironic. Or how appropriate._ "It was great to meet you, Luke. And thanks for the tour. I look forward to seeing you again soon."

"Yeah. Bye, Luke," Noah said, walking away, his arm around Beth.\

Luke stared after them and stalked off to find Reid.


	3. Chapter 3

Ten minutes later, Luke was on the new neurology wing of Oakdale Memorial. He was walking towards Reid's office when he spotted his partner down the hall.

Reid looked up from his clipboard, saw Luke, smiled, and walked toward him.

"Hi," Reid said, kissing Luke. "Have fun with Mr. and Mrs. Mayer?" Reid asked sarcastically. He opened the door to his office and followed Luke inside.

"Yes and no," Luke said, sitting down on the couch. "Beth is sweet as anything. She reminds me so much of Maddie. But Noah! Ugh! All he's told her about Oakdale is that he went to school here and dated Maddie."

"He hasn't told her anything about you?"

"No. It's like he's made himself believe none of it happened."

"Idiot," Reid mumbled. Luke smiled slightly.

"You think Noah an idiot?"

"I've always thought Noah was an idiot. Since the moment I realized how poorly he was treating you. To have someone who love him so much – so much so, that person was willing to blackmail and kidnap – to just keep pushing you away because he wanted independence, or whatever the hell it was, was the most idiotic thing I'd ever seen. It astounded me," Reid said absentmindedly, standing over his desk and examining the medical charts that lay upon it.

Luke stood up and wrapped his arms around Reid's waist, resting his chin on Reid's shoulder.

"That's why I have you."

Reid smiled.

"Now that we've cleared up the fact that Noah is an idiot," Reid said, turning around in Luke's arms and placing his own around Luke's neck. "I don't understand him. Even if he wanted to pretend that he near three years he had with you never happened, to get married to a girl? How would that work?"

"Well, he was attracted to Maddie," Luke said.

"He never said he was bi, though. I always heard him say he was gay."

"I know. Oh, I don't know, Reid. I think I need to talk to him."

"For what? He treated you like dirt for years."

"I need to know. I need to know what I was to him."

"Why?" Reid said, frowning, breaking the contact, and turning away from Luke.

"Hey!" Luke said skirting around Reid and taking his face in his hands. "Please don't think it's because I still love him. Because I don't. Not a chance." He kissed Reid in assurance. "It's just…we had a bad break-up and then everything happened with me and you. And Noah left and then came back and I chose you and then he left to go to film school. We haven't spoken in five years and then I find him here, with a wife! It just makes me wonder what he felt for me. For closure."

Reid smiled slightly and stroked Luke's cheek.

"Then you should talk to Noah."

Luke smiled and hugged Reid. "Thank you for understanding. I love you," Luke whispered into Reid's ear.

Reid smiled and said, "I love you, too," just as his beeper went off. "I have to go. Will you be okay?"

Luke nodded. "You go save lives. I'll be fine."

"Okay." Reid kissed Luke and left the room.

Luke stood for a few seconds and the set off to find Noah.


	4. Chapter 4

Luke wasn't exactly sure where to look for Noah, but he figured he would start with the Lakeview.

He entered his mother's hotel and went to the concierge desk.

"Hi. Can you please tell me which room Noah Mayer is staying in?" Luke asked the attendant.

"Room 415, Mr. Snyder."

"Thanks." Luke headed to the elevator and pushed the 4 button once inside. He chuckled slightly at the memory of when he and Reid had gotten stuck together and Reid had freaked out.

When the elevator stopped on the fourth floor, Luke got out and found room 415. Without hesitation, he knocked.

After a minute, the door opened and Luke was staring at Noah.

Without pretense, Luke said, "We need to talk."

Noah clenched his teeth, but said, "Downstairs. Five minutes."

Luke nodded in acknowledgement and headed back to the lobby. He found two chairs, ironically the ones where Reid first told him he was gay. He smiled at the memory, but it faltered when Noah sat down across from him.

"What do you want, Luke?" Noah asked curtly.

"Answers," Luke said plainly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Noah said.

"Wow, you are an idiot. Reid was right," Luke said, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Oh, well, if the great Dr. Oliver says it, then it must be true." Noah's words dripped with sarcasm.

"Don't you dare insult Reid!" Luke warned.

"Then don't insult me!" Noah barked back.

Luke took a deep breath. "Look, I didn't come here to fight with you, Noah. I simply wanted answers."

"Answers about what?" Noah asked again.

"About what? About everything. Who you are. Your time here in Oakdale," Luke said.

Noah just stared at Luke.

Getting no response, Luke continued. "The last time I saw you was over five years ago."

"When you left me for Dr. Oliver," Noah interjected.

"Yes. When I told you I didn't love you anymore and that Reid was the love of my life. And then you left. I spoke to you once since then – when you called to congratulate my parents on getting remarried. And then you show up here and you have a wife! I want an explanation. Please? If you owe me nothing else, you at least owe me that."

"When you chose Dr. Oliver, it really hurt."

"I'm sorry," Luke whispered. And he truly was.

"I needed to get out of Oakdale. And I was going to film school, anyway. So I left. I went to USC and I met wonderful people – especially Beth." Noah smiled when he said her name. "And we fell in love."

"Really? How did that work, Noah? Because when I saw you last, you were gay," Luke said.

Noah opened his mouth to speak, but closed it without saying anything.

Luke saved him the trouble. "What was I to you, Noah?" It was a moment of déjà vu from a time long past when they had just come back from New York and they thought the Colonel had died. _We've been here before_, Luke thought. _Only then I didn't want the answer._

"What?"

"Was I just an experiment? A phase? I rebellion against your father?" Luke queried.

Again Noah opened and closed his mouth without speaking. But Luke did not speak either.

For the third time, Noah opened his mouth. This time he said, "No."

"No what?"

"No. I really did love you."

"But were you _in_ love with me? I know you said it once, but I'm not so sure."

"Yes, Luke, I was in love with you."

"But?" Luke prompted, for he sensed it coming.

"But –" Noah faltered.

"Please tell me the truth. I need to know," Luke said, encouraging the man he had once loved with all his heart.

"But, it never felt wholly and completely right. You and me. I never felt like it was how I wanted to live my life. Not like how I feel with Beth. With Beth, everything just falls into place. It's easy and natural. It never felt natural for me when I was with you."

"Then why were you with me for nearly three years?" Luke asked, anger boiling up inside him. "And if it had never felt right, why did you ask me to be your boyfriend?  
"I felt guilty." Now that he was telling all this, the truth flowed out of Noah like a river. "Because my father had shot you and you were paralyzed, possibly for life."

"Guilt and pity? That's what it was?" Luke asked, his voice soft, trying not to convey the hurt he hadn't realized the whole truth would bring.

"That's what it started as. But the deeper we got, the deeper my feelings got. There _was_ a point in my life when all I wanted was you."

"That still doesn't explain. How did you end up with Beth? Are you straight?"

"Yes," Noah answered without pause.

"So, then, what was I?" Luke asked again.

"You were a part of my life that was very confusing. My father was here and he wanted me to enlist and I wanted to go the Northwestern. And then there was you, who I had these feelings for – feeling that I have only had for girls since – and I was confused."

"So I was an experiment?" Luke clarified, hurt now turning back to anger.

"Or a phase. Whatever you want to call it," Noah said flippantly.

"Why haven't you told Beth?"

"It's not necessary."

"You just said a minute ago that there was a time in your life when I was all you wanted. You don't think your wife should know that?" Luke asked, incredulous.

"No." Luke shook his head in disbelief. "Did you get the answers you wanted?" Noah asked.

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess I did," Luke said.

"So where do we go from here?" Noah asked. "Friends?"

"I don't know, Noah. I don't know if I can be friends with someone who I gave my whole heart and soul to for three years and who used me as an experiment during a time when they were confused."

Noah clenched his teeth again. Luke noticed.

"But I'll try," Luke said more kindly.

Noah smiled slightly. "The film festival is free. If you and Dr. – Reid – want to come," Noah offered.

Luke registered the use of Reid's first name instead of the formal title, but said, "Maybe the next one. I still need to process this." He stood up. Noah did, as well.

Noah nodded in understanding and said, "I really do hope we can be friends. At least for Beth's sake. She really likes you."

Luke gave a little smile. "She's really nice, Noah. And I'm glad that you're truly happy now. And I'm sorry that I couldn't be the one to give you that."

"Me too," Noah said. "But I really have to go. The festival starts soon and Beth is waiting."

Luke held out his hand. Noah shook it.

"I do hope we keep in touch," Noah said, and he walked off to go back to his room.

Luke stood watching him go. When Noah had disappeared into the elevator, Luke took a deep breath and headed back to the hospital to see Reid – someone he knew he wasn't an experiment for and who truly loved him.


	5. Chapter 5

Having gone to the hospital and been told that Reid was in surgery for another hour or two, Luke decided to go to home to the apartment he shared with the doctor. Luke sighed as he opened the door and dropped his keys on the table. He was glad to be home. But he was also sad. There had once been a time in his life when he had dreamed of this life that he had now being with Noah.

"How stupid I was," Luke muttered to himself as he sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. "I should have known from the start that I could never make him happy the way he did for me." Luke sighed again in regret.

As he flipped the channels, Luke came upon _Casablanca_. Smiling a sad smile, Luke put down the remote and settled in to watch the movie.

Just as Rick Blaine was telling Captain Renault that "this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship," the door to the apartment opened and Reid walked inside.

Luke smiled and turned off the TV.

"Hi," Reid said, dropping his medical bag and keys onto the table and closing the door.

"Hi," Luke said, standing up, walking over to Reid, and embracing him tightly.

"Are you okay?" Reid asked, concerned.

"No. Talking to Noah was more hurtful than I thought it would be," Luke said, sitting back down on the couch.

"What did he say?" Reid asked, sitting down next to Luke who immediately moved closer and snuggled up to the older man.

"He said that there was in a time in his life when he had been in love with me, but that it had never felt natural or normal to him. He also said that he first asked me to be his boyfriend because he felt guilty his father had shot me and felt sorry for me that I might never walk again," Luke said, placing his head on Reid's shoulder.

"That's disgusting," Reid said, putting his arm around Luke and pulling him closer than he already was. "How rude. I don't think I've ever known anyone in my life who is as rude as Noah." Luke snorted in laughter. Reid smiled. "I'm sorry that Noah played with your heart the way he did."

"Yeah. Me too," Luke said, sighing again.

The two sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts. Suddenly, Reid said, "Come on. Get up."

"Why?" Luke asked, picking his head up off of Reid's shoulder and looking at him.

"We're leaving," Reid said, standing up and offering his hand to Luke.

"Where are we going?" Luke asked, letting Reid pull him off the couch.

"You'll see," Reid said, leading Luke out the door, still holding his hand.

Fifteen minutes later, Reid and Luke were going around the back of Snyder farm.

"Snyder pond?" Luke asked, smiling slightly. Reid nodded. "You never wanted to come here," Luke said.

"I know. But you were upset and I know you said that you would come out here to feel better when you were a kid," Reid said, following Luke closer to the pond.

Luke smiled for real as he sat down on the edge of the pond, Reid sitting down beside him.

"I was never one for parks and ponds, but it's really beautiful here," Reid said.

"Yeah, it is," Luke said. "It's so peaceful and calm. It always made me happy to be out here."

"What about now? Does it make you happy now?" Reid asked, looking at Luke.

Luke looked at Reid and leaned over and kissed him. "Yes. Being here with you makes me infinitely happy. Thank you for bringing me here, Reid. I love you."

"I love you, too, Luke. And you should know that I will spend the rest of my life making sure that your heart is treated the way it deserves to be treated."

Luke smiled and kissed Reid again. "I'm going to hold you to that, Dr. Oliver."

"Bring it on, Mr. Snyder. I'll be ready for your blackmail this time."

Luke chuckled and rested his head on Reid's shoulder.

The two lovers sat together on the edge of the pond until the sun went down and the air turned cold enough to send them home.


End file.
